Give Me A Cigarette; Last Nights Love Affair Is Looking Vulnerable At Best

at risk of sounding like a spoiled bitch, i am going to say this as nicely as possible.

i am super pissed because i am not getting what i want.

tuesday was my birthday, and i turned 19. hip hip hooray! wrong. i had the worst birthday imaginable. here is what went down.

i went to work, not regular work, where i at least have people to talk to, and socialize and not to crazy with, but i was sent to one of our smaller locations, alone, to water some $80,000 trees for eight hours. yah, that was super fucking fun.

then i was driven home by a stranger because my aunts were going to a concert. (thats fine, i told them too, and that i didnt want to go. also my aunt is wonderful and got me a birthday cookie the size of a pizza.)

i went to the LCBO to buy some whiskey and the goddam clerk didn't ID me, that bastard. so awesome, even the guy at the liquor store doesn't even say happy birthday. and i picked up some pizza and wings, one of which gave me food poisoning.

so im stuck in bed and hunched over the toilet for two days, which brings us here, to today.

i was supposed to be going camping with my family and bestest friend in the whole wide world this weekend. well apparently its supposed to rain so my mom cancelled our trip. fine sure, its not like i love camping or anything. but its cool, we can hang out on the deck and drink the tequila that has been sitting in the liquor cabinet taunting me for a year and a half.

oh wait no, we are now inviting my cancer-ridden grandmother who whines nearly continuously, and has a real knack for making everyone feel like shit.

so now im sleeping in the trailer with my mom and dad to make room for her and my aunt in our house anyways, good thing we didn't go fucking camping.

I Know We'll Be Just Fine, If We Can Learn To Love The Ride

i sometimes wonder what makes me so different from the other girls. i dont mean that in the way it sounds. i mean why is it that other girls manage to date, and boys chase them, and everyone lives happily ever after for at least one day.

i'm concerned that i will never get what i want. in all honestly, but what, i mean who. it seems to me that i always fall on the short end of the deal. its likely just me, but i feel like i am never the one who is pursued, men don't take interest in me the way that i want them to. i can't think of the last time that i was asked on a date, or even called on a booty-call. well i actually can remember that, it ended quite badly. i often find myself "in love" with different people. guys i meet in class, or at a bar, men i work with, or have known for years. these infatuations that i develop never work out for me. it is never reciprocated. even when i lower my standards, to ensure that i will be able to land the boy of the day, i still fail. its hard when you can't score with the low-standard guy.

all of the unrequited love would not be such a worry if i was being wooed by boys at the same time. but i'm not. if i was, the last time i was laid wouldn't have been four months ago.

the rejection is beginning to make me feel slightly lonely. i've never been in a relationship that meant anything. i wish i had, and i'm willing to keep waiting. i hope that it is sooner rather than later. because i don't know how much longer i can keep up with my patience.

Until King Of The Jungle Calls My Bluff

sweeping really gives you a lot of time to think about things. like, seriously, 6 outdoor mausoleums means LOTS of thinking time. just one on one. you and your brain. nothing but dead people in walls to keep you company. and the random old italian guy that is coming to visit his late wife that is in one of those walls. yah, lots of quiet time.

what i mean is i've been thinking lately. just reminiscing about old times. there have been many good times shared. back home, at school, at the park, everywhere. i have begun to realize how much has changed, and how many times i have changed. i havent lived at home in nearly a year, not just for school, but because of staffhouse, and now i'm here in bradford. even though it has been so long, i still miss my old gang more than anyone else. the boys, and dear jessie and kaitlyn. i loved what we all had together. and to think it all started because kaitlyn wouldn't let me go to the huttens bonfire at josh's unless erik admitted our friendship. well it worked. we are friends, and i love him. i really love them all. i love erik and james. i love ian and josh. i love chris. they are my boys. and i miss them to the moon and back.

i dont know if they feel the same way as me, i feel like they do. and the claim they would do anything for me. i hope they love me as i love them, because i really would give them the world. at times i wish i was still at home, seeing them everyday and camping out everyother weekend. no matter what the weather, be it summer heat, or thirty below and in snow, we would do it. to all be together, and have fun together, and drink together.

and my girls are my life. kaitlyn wade keeps me strong and positive, and jessie douglas is my other half. i need them to breathe, and they will be here soon. only three more work days. :) i can't wait, the excitement has stopped time. but its okay, because we have candy necklaces waiting for when they get here.

i do regret some things though. leaving, and not staying where i might belong, and being too scared to try things. but i have faith in us, in all of us, and i know that what has not worked yet, will, eventually get there. all will one day be right and as it should be. whether tomorrow, next year, and in 10 years. we will get there. we will all get through

Celebrate The Lives Of The Dead; Its Like A Man's Best Party Only Happens When He Dies

my apologies, sincerely, to all none of you who read this.

oh the time that has passed since the last post... it has been much too long. i feel like that is something that post-secondary institutes due only too well: distract those from anything that they had previously done.

i wont sit here and pretend that i have been too busy with super important, oh-so-intelligent things to write a blog, for that is not the case. i have been too busy slacking off, partying, cramming, and watching full tv series on the internet. apparently that is what it is that university students do.

it was fun. i had more than my fair share of good times. the people i met i will never forget. mostly for good things, a few a will remember for the bad. but that is a very small few.

the year flew by. i feel as though i just moved into that dammed hyman soloway room, and im already out. that i wont complain about, to be rid of that place is glorious. to be away from the university is not quite so much. but a break will be lovely, im sure. to say that university taught me would be an understatement. it has proven to be well worth the small fortune i am paying for it. not only am i learning things about the world, but also myself.

the next couple month i am spending in the big city of toronto. working each day at westminster cemetery and living with my aunts. it blows my mind that the 401 highway is 16 lanes wide; and that city kids are known to have parties called farm parties where copious amounts of hardcore drugs are consumed, because they believe that is what we do in the country.

If There's A Chance We Can Make It Now

wow. holy shite.

living in a place to remote to get internet really fucks up all your internet addictions. like blogging, for example. nearly two months since my last post!
and oh so much has happened.

and oh so much is key for i moved into university!!! yay me! for being a smart kid.

it is the second week that i have been here, and tomorrow marks one week of classes. so that is really and truly exciting. i actually really like my classes. or most of them anyways.

philosophy -- the first class i went to ever! not really something im interested in at all, just a requirement for my program (which is history, by the way). my prof is literally a wing nut. he is fucking crazy. the first class wasnt even ten mins long. he got us all sat down, then said "go buy this book, bye." so far, i have seen him only dress in black. and black jeans that are too tight, and a black shirt. like i said wing nut.

geography -- or rather, society and the environment -- this class is great! seriously. i think i will really enjoy it. my prof is this super cool guy, who is from africa, but lived in france for years, and now here. we so far, share the same view points on the topics hes talked about. so thats really cool. he is just generally awesome to listen to. and his voice doesnt make me wanna rip my hair out. so bonus!!

history of europe before the 18th century -- although this is what i love, i feel like it will, by far, be my hardest course. mostly because my prof is this old guy, who, really interesting to listen to, hasnt given in to technology. so that means he doesnt use power point, he just has overheads, which so far have only been maps. he doesnt use a mic, which i cant understand why the hell not, since the room beside us under construction. and he basically just jumps from one thing to another, and expects you to get it all down. holy lord, sir, slow the fuck down.

essay writing -- ughh, kill me now! the subject alone makes this the worst class ever, but add the fact that my prof is deaf, and this becomes unbearable. i hate to say it, but her stupid deaf person voice makes me want to deafen myself, maybe with knitting needles, maybe explosives. anything, so i dont have to hear her anymore. by the end of this class i better be the best fucking essay writer of life.

greek studies -- this class also seems really cool. learning all about greek culture, before most places even thought of having culture. actually really interesting so far. hopefully it stays that way. i have already learned the first three letters of the greek alphabet. and that the world alphabet, came from the greek word alphabeta, which is the first two letters of it. but directly translated means house of the ox, because alpha means ox, and beta means house. neat eh? i thought so.

so thats just a look at what i have been doing since leaving my beloved park.
i wont whine and mention house much i miss silence, and trees, and even raykins.

How Cruel Is The Golden Rule?

so when you work for a provincial park, thats main job is a conservation area, you really arent supposed to kill things. not trees, not bugs, not anything.

but sometimes, mice interupt your special movie watching time at staffhouse with your co-workers. when this happens, when mice jump out from underneath your coach and disturb the tranquility of your night, you dont really think "hmm, maybe i shouldnt kill this". nope, instead, three of you jump up try and catch it.

whether you are using the top of a dvd spindle, a glass that is half filled with water, or a humus container, you will try like its your job to kill that jerk of a mouse. one will wait where it is expected to scurry out from under the sofa, one will try and scare it in that direction, and the other will wait and watch over all others, in case the bastard tries to pull a fast one on you. but sometimes the get away, its painfully, but it happens. it normally leaves you feeling like failure because you were outsmarted by a rodent the size of your big toes, but it does happen.

when it happens, i suggest nurf guns. its the only way to recover, plus, if you see it again, as we did, it is good to have such a weapon. because when it finally runs from under the coach to the tv stand, it is good it have things that you can shoot at it, to makes sure it runs out the other side, where you are waiting, ready to ambush with your cup.

when you finally do catch that mouse, you then need to decide what to do with it... this is where things to get tricky. you have many options. you can take it outside, set it free, but you can bet your first born that it will get back inside. you can give it to the person with the strongest stomach and have them kill it, however they see fit. or, you can listen to the person who is terrified of mice, who has been hiding out in the hallway for this whole ordeal, and flush it down the toilet.

did you know that mice can swim?

well they can, they can also jump. and this little mouse jumped and swam its way through three flushes. until it was bashed on the head and pushed down for the final time on the fourth flush.

after all this is said and done, you realize, you should have let it go outside, after all, you work for the MNR.

There Ain't No Rest For The Wicked

life is filled with so many decisions. just one after another. decisions and choices, and choices and decisions.

on one hand, its great that we have the power to decide things for ourselves, and choose what happens in our life, on the other, its a giant pain in the ass worrying if you are making the right one.

i always worry that what i decide isnt the right choice. and many many many times, i know that it is now. of course, this revelation always comes after the deed has been done. for example, choosing to stay out all night, when any smart person would remember that nothing good ever happens after 2am, and would take that cue, and go home. but no, not me. frequently, i feel that my decisions are the right ones. like buying new shoes. some of my decisions, i am still unsure of. like university choice. yes, im excited to be going to Uottawa, but that doesnt stop me from wanting to go to trent, still.

sometimes, i cant decide. i cant decide on what kind of person i want to. or what i want to do tomorrow night, or how i feel about certain people.

but i can be sure that when the time comes for me to finally make these decisions, i will. and ill live with it