I Know We'll Be Just Fine, If We Can Learn To Love The Ride

i sometimes wonder what makes me so different from the other girls. i dont mean that in the way it sounds. i mean why is it that other girls manage to date, and boys chase them, and everyone lives happily ever after for at least one day.

i'm concerned that i will never get what i want. in all honestly, but what, i mean who. it seems to me that i always fall on the short end of the deal. its likely just me, but i feel like i am never the one who is pursued, men don't take interest in me the way that i want them to. i can't think of the last time that i was asked on a date, or even called on a booty-call. well i actually can remember that, it ended quite badly. i often find myself "in love" with different people. guys i meet in class, or at a bar, men i work with, or have known for years. these infatuations that i develop never work out for me. it is never reciprocated. even when i lower my standards, to ensure that i will be able to land the boy of the day, i still fail. its hard when you can't score with the low-standard guy.

all of the unrequited love would not be such a worry if i was being wooed by boys at the same time. but i'm not. if i was, the last time i was laid wouldn't have been four months ago.

the rejection is beginning to make me feel slightly lonely. i've never been in a relationship that meant anything. i wish i had, and i'm willing to keep waiting. i hope that it is sooner rather than later. because i don't know how much longer i can keep up with my patience.

Until King Of The Jungle Calls My Bluff

sweeping really gives you a lot of time to think about things. like, seriously, 6 outdoor mausoleums means LOTS of thinking time. just one on one. you and your brain. nothing but dead people in walls to keep you company. and the random old italian guy that is coming to visit his late wife that is in one of those walls. yah, lots of quiet time.

what i mean is i've been thinking lately. just reminiscing about old times. there have been many good times shared. back home, at school, at the park, everywhere. i have begun to realize how much has changed, and how many times i have changed. i havent lived at home in nearly a year, not just for school, but because of staffhouse, and now i'm here in bradford. even though it has been so long, i still miss my old gang more than anyone else. the boys, and dear jessie and kaitlyn. i loved what we all had together. and to think it all started because kaitlyn wouldn't let me go to the huttens bonfire at josh's unless erik admitted our friendship. well it worked. we are friends, and i love him. i really love them all. i love erik and james. i love ian and josh. i love chris. they are my boys. and i miss them to the moon and back.

i dont know if they feel the same way as me, i feel like they do. and the claim they would do anything for me. i hope they love me as i love them, because i really would give them the world. at times i wish i was still at home, seeing them everyday and camping out everyother weekend. no matter what the weather, be it summer heat, or thirty below and in snow, we would do it. to all be together, and have fun together, and drink together.

and my girls are my life. kaitlyn wade keeps me strong and positive, and jessie douglas is my other half. i need them to breathe, and they will be here soon. only three more work days. :) i can't wait, the excitement has stopped time. but its okay, because we have candy necklaces waiting for when they get here.

i do regret some things though. leaving, and not staying where i might belong, and being too scared to try things. but i have faith in us, in all of us, and i know that what has not worked yet, will, eventually get there. all will one day be right and as it should be. whether tomorrow, next year, and in 10 years. we will get there. we will all get through

Celebrate The Lives Of The Dead; Its Like A Man's Best Party Only Happens When He Dies

my apologies, sincerely, to all none of you who read this.

oh the time that has passed since the last post... it has been much too long. i feel like that is something that post-secondary institutes due only too well: distract those from anything that they had previously done.

i wont sit here and pretend that i have been too busy with super important, oh-so-intelligent things to write a blog, for that is not the case. i have been too busy slacking off, partying, cramming, and watching full tv series on the internet. apparently that is what it is that university students do.

it was fun. i had more than my fair share of good times. the people i met i will never forget. mostly for good things, a few a will remember for the bad. but that is a very small few.

the year flew by. i feel as though i just moved into that dammed hyman soloway room, and im already out. that i wont complain about, to be rid of that place is glorious. to be away from the university is not quite so much. but a break will be lovely, im sure. to say that university taught me would be an understatement. it has proven to be well worth the small fortune i am paying for it. not only am i learning things about the world, but also myself.

the next couple month i am spending in the big city of toronto. working each day at westminster cemetery and living with my aunts. it blows my mind that the 401 highway is 16 lanes wide; and that city kids are known to have parties called farm parties where copious amounts of hardcore drugs are consumed, because they believe that is what we do in the country.