Danger, Danger! High Voltage! When We Touch, When We Kiss

so i heard back on friday from the park, and it turns out that i will a ministry of natural resources employee for another season, but really no surprise there. im glad to be going back to murphys point provincial park for the summer. its fun, i love it there. after hearing back, it gave me an odd sense of nostalgia and longing for my park, and good old staffhoe. so i want to give you, dear readers, a story from last summer. although it didnt happen to me, or anyone i know, and it didnt happen at the park, even.
this story is a murph story, as told by josh brown. (then again, told by me, right now)
nb- josh was a warden last year, lived with me at staff. was the best teller of stories ever, and the best smoker of captian blacks.

and so the story begins...

dave murphy was a sleaze. like a legit sleaze. if you went out one night, and came home in the morning feeling really down, and sleazy, like the kind of mornings when a 20 minute shower and 3 cups of coffee just isnt good enough, you could be sure dave murphy could make you feel better. you could call dave murphy up and say "murph, i just did ____________" (fill in the blank with- ass raped three puppies, had sex with my buddy's mom, went to bed with three asain dudes, etc.) and you can count on murph to reply with "YOU DONT EVEN KNOW SLEAZE!", and continue on to tell you the story of his night, and always, always making you feel better about yourself.
so one night, dave murphy was at bar, as he usually is, because that is what sleazes that murph do. and murph wanted to get some action this night, so he starts swinging, and missing. none of the girls wanted anything to do with murph tonight. it get late, and murph realizes that if he is going to get any tonight, he is gonna have to set his sights low. he looks around, and then he sees her. the girl he is going to take home. he knows its her, becuase she is about, oh, three times him size, and wearing clothes that would not even fit him, and she is dancing, and sweating, and getting pretty nasty. but murph is up to the challenge.
he goes up to this girl and introduces himself, "hi!, im ephirum williams." as he says, it was clear that he had to give her a fake name, i still cant see how that is clear, but it is, and he gives her his usual fake name. also, no idea why he has a usual fake name. so this girl falls for his ridiculous attempts at being charming, and leaves the bar with him. as they are leaving, murph feels the need for a cigarette, and asks to bum one off a guy standing at the door having a smoke. he gives him one, and they start talking, and murph says "by the way, names dave" to which is lady friend says "i thought your name was ephirum?!?" so being the good new friend that the cigarette guy was, he says "yah, yah, thats what he said!" this somehow, make the girl happy and her and murph continue on their way back to her apartment.
once they get there, murph and the girl start messing around on the couch in the living room, and just when things were getting hot, the girl reaches down to between murphs legs, and stops. "oh, im used to black guys, but i really like your hat", she says (it was a kingston k-rock hat) "if you let me have it, you can fuck my roommate." well now, how could murph turn down an offer like that, he agrees, and is giving directions to the roommates bedroom. he gets there and explains the situation to the girl, who was actually much better looking than the origanal girl, she was a pretty black girl. she somehow agrees to the fuck that the girl promise in exchange for the k-rock hat.
so they start at it, and murph begins to fumble with the condom, and thinks, "meh, she thinks im ephirum, fuck it" and he throws the condom on the floor when she is not looking, and rubs one out in her. he lays there for a bit like gentleman, then says he has to go to he bathroom. he puts on his jeans, and balls his tshirt up real tight in his hand, so the girl in the bed doesnt see him leave with it. he then goes back to the living room, where he trips over the first girl, and SURPRISE! a black guy doing it on the floor. he looks around for his hat. yes, the hat he traded for sex, finds it, and bolts out the door onto the street. at some point on his way down the stair, the roommate had stood up and realized that murph had not used the condom he said he did, and was not still in the bathroom. so now murph can hear two girls, and a giant black guy running after him, so he, logically, hides behind a bus stop. and they keep looking for him, and calling for ephirum williams, and murph hid behind that bus stop for 45 minutes, thinking "wow, im really glad i have my kingston k-rock hat"